The Secret War Part 1
by Charcoal Cosplay
Summary: With Sam and Dean missing in action, Dark!Dean and Abaddon decide to raise hell. Meanwhile, stuck in the past, Castiel and Crowley decide to take on the brothers' cases to preserve the timeline, but the enemy is hot on their trail.


**SOOBERNATRAL: SUPERNATURAL ABRIDGED**

**The Secret War Part 1: "The Enemy of My Enemy's Enemy"**

Whisked away from their parody universe by the mysterious Lunara, Sam and Dean find themselves in a harsher reality - in which Sam is dead and Dean rules Hell and most of Earth along side Abaddon. Meanwhile, stuck in the past, Castiel and Crowley decide to take on the brothers' cases to preserve the timeline, but Levi!Cas is hot on their trail.

**THEN**

SAM (voiceover)  
Previously on Soobernatral...

INT. PLANE – DAY

GEORGE PHELPS walks in. AMANDA addresses PHELPS.

AMANDA  
Have a nice flight, sir.

PHELPS turns, and we and AMANDA see that his eyes are completely black, even the whites.

And SNOOP is like "That's some really good dope!"

PHELPS  
Oh, I'm counting on it.

INT. PLANE – DAY

PHELPS heads to the back of the plane. When he reaches the rear exit, he grasps the release handle. A YOUNG MAN in an aisle seat, MAX JAFFEY, notices him.

MAX  
Hey, what the hell are you doing?!

DUMBLEDORE

The man asked you a question? Well? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!

PHELPS turns to look at MAX and Dumbledore who is regretting taking muggle transportation, eyes black again, then rips the door open!

He goes flying out the window, the door flies off tearing half a wing off the plane, and the plane goes down.

DUMBLEDORE

OOOOOOOOOHHHHH FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCKKKKKK!

EXT. STREET – DAY

SAM  
There's a long history of spirits and death omens on planes and ships, like phantom travelers. Demonic possession? Demonic possession? Demonic possession? Demonic possession?

DEAN  
It would explain how a mortal man would have the strength to open up an emergency hatch.

INT. PLANE – DAY

AMANDA heads for the plane, greeting coworkers.

AMANDA  
How are you? Hey, Bob.

BOB THE BUILDER

I can fucking fix anything!

AMANDA

Still on meth, then?

INT. PLANE – RESTROOM – NIGHT

Sam runs from Buffalo Jones, pants still around his legs.

SAM

Help me!

BUFFALO JONES

What's the rush?

(demonic voice)

Get over here!

Buffalo Jones slings his tail around like a lasso and ropes Sam.

SAM

Dean! DEAN! Rape! RAPE!

BUFFALO JONES

I'm about to do some shit to you that you won't remember til you're forty!

INT. PLANE – NIGHT

SAM  
Now, I found an exorcism in here that I think is gonna work. The Rituale Romanum.

DEAN  
What do we have to do? Dress in drag and do the hula?

SAM  
It's two parts. The first part expels the demon from the victim's body. It makes it manifest, which actually makes it more powerful.

DEAN  
More powerful?

SAM  
Yeah.

DEAN  
How?

SAM  
Well, it doesn't need to possess someone anymore. It can just wreak havoc on its own.

DEAN  
Oh. And why is that a good thing?

SAM  
Well, because the second part sends the bastard back to hell once and for all.

INT. PLANE – BACKROOM – NIGHT

Dean holds down the possessed COPILOT.

DEAN  
Hurry up, Sam. I don't know how much longer I can hold him, Cap'n!

SAM  
Regna terrae, cantate Deo, psallite Domino—

The DEMON breaks free briefly and hits them both until DEAN manages to subdue him again. SAM picks up where he left off. The DEMON knocks DEAN off again and pulls the tape off his mouth. He grabs SAM by the collar.

DEMON  
I know what happened to your girlfriend! She must have died screaming! Even now, she's burning! There! I said it! It's canon now!

INT. PLANE – NIGHT

The DEMON possesses a huge body builder.

SAM

Oh crap.

DEMON

Fee fi fo fum!

And CHUCK WHO IS NOT TO WITH FUCK NORRIS is like "The eyes of a ranger are upon you. Roundhouse kick!"

DEAN

Lights out, bitch.

EXT. AIRPORT ACCESS – DAY

DEAN dials a number. As the voice message begins, he turns it so SAM can hear too.

JON  
Dis iss Jon Waaaaaayne Winchessshire. I can be reached. BURP! If dis ish an emerg.. emerg… problem, call my sssson, Dean. 785-555-0179. He can help.

Jon is heard vomiting.

LUNARA appears before them.

LUNARA

Hello, Sam.

DEAN

Sam, you go something to say to me?

SAM

I don't know. Do I know you?

LUNARA

Not yet.

DEAN

You wanna tell me what the hey-hey is going on?

LUNARA

There's a secret war.

DEAN

Ain't that cute.

LUNARA

And you're a part of it. There are other worlds. Many. And if you want to save yours, you'll come with me. Right now.

DEAN

We're not going anywhere, princess.

LUNARA

Magic!

A F**KING dimensional portal envelopes the trio.

DEAN

Okay. Guess we are.

SAM

Narnia, here we come!

The trio along with the Impala, disappear in a flash of sparkling light.

EXT. AIRPORT – DAY

Jerry screams. He is covered in blood and missing an ear.

JERRY

I don't know where they went! They're already gone.

LEVI!CAS

So we're too late. Okay, officially bored now.

Levi!Cas skins Jerry alive. It's not as fun as it sounds.

A MAN walks in. He looks like DEAN, but there's something off about him. He's older, wearing all black with a badass beard. There's a scary coldness in his eyes.

DARK!DEAN

Lunara. That little bitch must've found them. Doesn't matter. They'll die just like all the rest. You ready to raise some hell, Levi?

LEVI!CAS

Always. This is gonna be so much fun.

SQUAD cars pull up.

DARK!DEAN reaches into his coat, pulling out the FIRST BLADE. It resonates with power.

DARK!DEAN

(smiling)

Oh, I'm counting on it.

**NOW**

"PARODY UNIVERSE"

INT. ROAD HOUSE – NIGHT, 2005

BAD MOON RISING plays on a jukebox.

HORACE, a bespectacled hunter, complete with beer in hand, sleeps at a table.

JO HARVELLE takes the half empty bottle from him and wipes the table as best she can.

JO

Closing time in five, Horace.

ASH plays cards at a table with ELLEN.

ELLEN

Full house. What do ya got, Stamos?

ASH

Nothing much. Just a royal flush!

Ellen groans and takes a sip of whiskey.

ASH

Will that be cash, check, or credit?

ELLEN

I'm running a little short. How about an extension on your bar tab?

ASH

I humbly accept.

JO

This would go three times faster if you two helped.

ELLEN

I managed it while raising a kid. I'm sure you'll be fine.

Jo sighs.

ELLEN

A little responsibility never hurt anyone, Jo. Did you take out the garbage like I told you to?

JO

But Mo-om!

Ellen gives her a look.

JO

I'm going.

She heads into the back.

ELLEN

Horace?

Horace yawns, then falls out of his chair.

The jukebox shuts off by itself. Ellen gets up to inspect it.

EXT. ROAD HOUSE – NIGHT

Jo carries two garbage bags to the dumpster.

SCREAMING. GUN SHOTS.

JO

Mom!

INT. ROAD HOUSE – NIGHT

Armed with her father's knife, Jo creeps in. DARK!DEAN drinks at the bar. There are severed limbs everywhere.

DARK!DEAN

Hey, Jo. I'll have the cunt burger to go. Hold the fries.

JO

Who are you?

Dark!Dean smirks and takes another sip of whiskey.

DARK!DEAN

I'm glad you're here. It'll save me some time. Come sit in my lap. I'll tell you a bedtime story.

JO

My mom…

DARK!DEAN

Right here.

He reaches down beside him and picks up Ellen's severed head. He sets it up on the bar.

JO

You bastard!

DARK!DEAN

You're so cute when you're angry. I'm lookin' forward to seeing what other kind of faces you can make.

He throws the bottle against the wall, where it shatters, and stands up.

Jo's hand shakes as she holds her knife.

DARK!DEAN

Is that any way to treat your best customer?

Jo runs to the back.

He picks up Ellen's head.

DARK!DEAN

Something I said?

INT. ROAD HOUSE – BACKROOM – NIGHT

Jo pours a line of salt at the door.

The door swings open.

Jo backs up, knife at the ready.

Dark!Dean leans in the doorway. He looks down at the salt line and whistles.

DARK!DEAN

Smart move, but –

He scoops up some of the salt and licks it from his hand.

DARK!DEAN

- I ain't a demon.

He moves towards Jo.

Jo lunges at him with the knife. He grabs her hand, takes the knife, and tosses it aside.

He grabs her from behind and shushes her as she cries. He smells her hair.

The back door opens. ABADDON struts in.

DARK!DEAN

I brought you something.

ABADDON

Ooh. I bet I'll look at least ten years younger in it. We'll have to do something about the hair though.

Jo looks terrified.

INT. MOTEL ROOM – DAY

CASTIEL sits at a table with an untouched cup of coffee in front of him. He stands up and looks out the window. He eyes a Felix the Cat clock hanging on the wall.

Someone opens the door. Castiel slips his angel blade out of his coat and moves to the door.

It's CROWLEY, carrying a grocery bag.

CROWLEY

Bloody hell!

CASTIEL

Crowley.

Castiel lowers his blade, but doesn't put it away.

CROWLEY

You could've given me proper warning before aiming something pointy at me. Not that it's ever too early for that sort of thing.

CASTIEL

You were gone a good while.

CROWLEY

Obtaining ingredients for a spell takes more than five minutes and a snap of my fingers these days.

Crowley sets the bag on the table.

CASTIEL

Were you followed?

CROWLEY

You haven't touched your coffee, have you? You could've at least taken a sip after all the trouble I went thr-

CASTIEL

Were you followed?!

CROWLEY

No. What do you think I am, some kind of amateur?!

CASTIEL

Can't be too sure.

CROWLEY

I've upheld my end of the bargain. What about you, Cas? Tell me you've located someone or some thing that can help us return to our respective humble abodes?

CASTIEL

Not quite, but I have been doing a fair amount of research.

CROWLEY

Have you?

Crowley turns on the TV. Casa Erotica is on. He turns it back off.

CROWLEY

Well, given the sheer amount of hands on research one can compile from a single issue of Busty Asian Beauties alone, I don't know whether to be grateful or lament the fact that I was tardy to the party.

CASTIEL

Yes. Well…

CROWLEY

You think this is a vacation?! Multiple worlds are collapsing like dwarf stars and you want to watch a failed actor and a crack whore – neither of whom I can tell apart, mind you – bump uglies? My cards are all on the table, Cas. Are yours?! No hidden angel pal up your sleeve? No time wizards running around Great Britain?

Castiel shakes his head.

CASTIEL

I'll never get use to this slow path. When I had wings –

CROWLEY

And who do you have to blame for that little transgression?

Castiel balls his fist.

CASTIEL

Metatron tricked me.

CROWLEY

Oh yes. That seems to happen to you a lot, doesn't it? Lost your white and flufflies. Let those insatiable tapeworms in.

CASTIEL

As I recall, opening the door to Purgatory was a joint venture. I made a mistake. Many, but I'm trying to _fix _things. All you care about is reclaiming your title.

CROWLEY

It's more than a title. It's my bloody kingdom!

CASTIEL

You tricked Dean into –

CROWLEY

Trick? Ha! That squirrelly, surly little nightmare on legs made his own decisions. It's not my fault he let the power go to his head! Remind you of anyone?

Castiel puts his angel blade to Crowley's throat. Crowley aims a gun at Castiel's chest.

CROWLEY

Looks like you brought a knife to a gun fight.

CASTIEL

That would be true. If you could pull the trigger before I silence you forever.

CROWLEY

It appears we've reached a stand-off. Minus the Mexicans. I won't tell if you won't.

Someone knocks on the door.

CROWLEY

Cas? Manners.

CASTIEL shoves him back and goes for the door. He looks back at Crowley, who aims at the door, then nods.

He opens it. A PAPER BOY walks in. Castiel and Crowley hide their weapons behind their backs.

CASTIEL

Hello?

PAPER BOY

Hi, I'm selling subscriptions of the all-new Weekly World News at a very low price.

CROWLEY

Seems like a dying medium to me.

CASTIEL

Crowley? Manners.

Crowley forces a smile, then rolls his eyes.

CASTIEL

I hate to be rude, but we were just in the middle of something. Could you come by again tomorrow?

PAPER BOY

No can do. Protocol.

CROWLEY

Really? Because I fail to see any such thing. Or is it all done online nowadays?

PAPER BOY

No, some things technology just can't beat. Like nature. If you go to a real quiet place and concentrate long enough, it's amazing what you can find. What you can smell.

The Paper Boy punches Castiel into the wall. The Paper Boy transforms into the weird Leviathan CGI face, then back again.

PAPER BOY

Levi's gonna be so proud!

CROWLEY

(picking up a bottle of Borax)

Back up, Alfalfa.

PAPER BOY

Or what? You'll squirt me too death?

CROWLEY

Actually, I'm relatively sure there are laws against that sort of thing.

PAPER BOY

Wait a minute… You're the former King of Hell!

CROWLEY

Former?!

PAPER BOY

Pleasure to eat you sir!

Crowley squirts him with some Borax. The Paper Boy's skin burns.

PAPER BOY

Ow! You stupid fucking asshole! I'm gonna fucking filet the both of you!

CROWLEY

How about a rain check?

Crowley slices the Paper Boy's head off with an angel blade.

CROWLEY

Or not.

He turns to Castiel who is still recovering.

CROWLEY

Cas? Are you alive?

Crowley moves closer. Will he kill him?

CASTIEL

Crowley… Watch out!

The Paper boy, who has grown two identical Leviathan messed up CGI heads, grabs Crowley.

CROWLEY

That's new.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**


End file.
